At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
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Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
why no one uses midhusbands
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
yea so i messed up lol
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.