People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
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My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Strangers have the best candy.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu