[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
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ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?