I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
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When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
figuring out my emotional availability:
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.