“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
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*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
The human personality is made of five key elements
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.