“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
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Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Okey dokey.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
bad news gang
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit