Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
for all #parents out there
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked