Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
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I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.