I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
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I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Seas the day!!!!
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?