Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
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“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
LA today:
haha same
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]