Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
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[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
#Thanos #MondayMood
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.