Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
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her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Imma just leave this here…………
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.