*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
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List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”