My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
I need to get some bricks…
Every house has this drawer
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.