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If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
yall want some gasoline milk
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k