Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
You Might Also Like
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.