God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
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It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
no cat here
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
😍😂🥰😂😍
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
You are not alone 💚
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too