I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
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Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.