I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
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Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.