[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
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My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I’d rather fork than spoon.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.