She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
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FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
HERE’S MARKY
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you