what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
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Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
ouch
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.