Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
You Might Also Like
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
The Book. The Movie.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
same bro
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them