Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings