[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
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Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat