My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
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*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
had to share :’)
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?