Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
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Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.