sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
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wut hotdog?
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”