Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
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None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I will never stop laughing at this
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.