When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
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Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
huge valentines day plans this year!!
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”