Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
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My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*