You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
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My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this