Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
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Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.