[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
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shampoo implies shampee
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀