My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
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[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
the short answer to this question
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.