Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
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The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.