Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
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Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?