Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
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[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself