Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
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Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Always…
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
#ParentingFacts
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake