one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
You Might Also Like
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.