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Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
This is amazing.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Meow
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef