I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
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Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Simple enough.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.