The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
You Might Also Like
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?