*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
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[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
🤣🤣🤣
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.