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Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”