Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
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Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
When your parents check you’re ok.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.