Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
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Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school