[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
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Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.