I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
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At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Thank you corporation very cool
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*