[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
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It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
$4 #usedbooks
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.